What is “Shrekking”?

 

Lately you may have seen the term shrekking (sometimes spelled “shreking”) floating around social-media comment threads, TikTok videos, and articles about modern dating. But what exactly does it mean?

In short: “shrekking” is when someone deliberately dates someone they consider below their own “standard” (often in terms of looks, social status, or perceived desirability) — with the expectation that because the other person is “less desirable,” they’ll be more grateful, more committed, or easier to treat well. According to one article:

“The practice of purposely dating down so that you can have the upper hand in the relationship.” Psychology Today+2Cosmopolitan+2

Another writes:

“Dating someone you’re not physically attracted to in the hopes that this will lead them to treat you better.” New York Post

And a definition:

“Deliberately choosing romantic partners who they deem less attractive or desirable than themselves.” LADbible

So the idea is: you pick someone you think you “outrank,” so you’ll "win" the relationship by having more power, less fear of being left, more control? That’s basically shrekking.

Why the name “Shrekking”?

The term draws from the popular animated film character Shrek — the big green ogre who ends up in a fairytale romance with Princess Fiona. On the surface, the story seems to celebrate the “ugly-ogre gets the princess” trope. Some social-media users apply a twisted version of that: “I’m dating someone like Shrek — i.e., someone I deem less desirable — so I’ll be the princess.”

Here’s the catch though: unlike the feel-good movie plot, in the “shrekking” context, the power dynamic is skewed, and the intent is less about genuine love and more about “having the upper hand.” As one article states:

“Being described as a Shrek is typically not a compliment.” Psychology Today+1

Thus the name is both a meme reference and a bit of a social commentary on dating hierarchies and perceived value.

Why is this trending among Gen Z?

Several cultural and social shifts help explain why the term and concept have caught on:

  1. Visibility of dating culture online: Platforms like TikTok, Instagram, Reddit let people share relationship “tactics,” jokes, and label behavior. The term “shrekking” seems to have spread via those channels. Reddit+1

  2. Dating hierarchies & “value” metrics: Modern dating culture often speaks in terms of “you’re out of my league,” “I’m punching above/below,” “dating up/down.” The idea of “rankings” in looks, social status, financial status, etc., is pervasive in memes and commentary. The article in Psychology Today notes:

    “Shrekking assumes that there is a clear dating hierarchy that everyone knows, accepts, and follows.” Psychology Today

  3. Control & fear of vulnerability: For some, dating someone perceived as “less desirable” might feel safer — less fear of being dumped, less pressure. The “shrecker” hopes the other person will be more thankful, more loyal. But as experts warn, that can backfire. Cosmopolitan+1

  4. Meme culture & irony: Gen Z loves ironic naming, repurposing pop-culture figures (like Shrek) for humorous or sharp commentary. The term “shrekking” fits that pattern — catchy, meme-worthy, slightly self-aware of its absurdity.

  5. Changing norms around attraction & “settling”: Discussions around “does physical attraction matter?” or “should you settle for someone good but not your type?” are more public now. The term “shrekking” brings a negative framing to what might otherwise be called “settling” or “compromising.”

The good, the bad & what to watch out for

✅ Potential “good” sides

  • If someone genuinely likes a person regardless of conventional looks or status, that can be healthy. The term itself doesn’t prohibit that. Sometimes attraction grows.

  • It may force a person to focus less on superficial criteria and more on character, values, compatibility (if approached honestly). The LADbible article suggests:

    “The goal isn’t to retreat back to only dating conventionally attractive people … it’s to develop better assessment skills for character, values and emotional availability.” LADbible

❗ Risks & downsides

  • Power imbalance: One person assumes they are “higher tier,” which can breed contempt, complacency, or lack of effort. From Psychology Today:

    “If your relationship was largely based on the initial power differential, then this could leave you with little to hold you together anymore.” Psychology Today

  • Assumptions are flawed: You might assume you outrank someone, but people are complex — they don’t always behave “grateful” or submissive just because you deem them less desirable.

  • Attraction matters: Even if you date someone “below” your standards, if you don’t feel genuine attraction (emotional/physical), things can sour. One article calls “shrekking” not the same as genuine “compromising” for good reasons. Psychology Today+1

  • Name carries stigma: The term has a negative Orwellian ring — if you or your partner realize one side thinks “I’m lower than you,” it may hurt self-esteem or trust.

  • Superficial basis: The strategy rests on “looks/status for loyalty” which is shallow; relationships based primarily on such trade-offs are vulnerable.

🎯 What to ask yourself

  • Am I conscious of why I am dating this person? Is it genuine connection or “I’ll have the upper hand”?

  • Do I genuinely respect and value this person (and their agency), or do I view them as “beneath” me?

  • Am I treating them well because I want to, not just because I assume they’ll treat me well?

  • Am I open to them changing over time (and myself changing), rather than fixating on a static “hierarchy”? The article reminded:

    “Over time, looks, wealth, social connections … can evolve … what people value early on in dating is not necessarily the same as when you are deep into a relationship.” Psychology Today

Why it matters — broader implications

  • The popularity of “shrekking” signals how young people are analyzing and naming dating dynamics: power, status, attractiveness. Language gives shape to patterns people feel but hadn’t named.

  • It also reflects how modern dating culture often treats relationships as “moves” or “strategies” rather than purely emotional or personal journeys.

  • On a societal level, it raises questions about how much emphasis we place on attractiveness, on “market value” in dating, and how conscious we are of treating partners as equals rather than as objects or stepping stones.

Final thoughts

“Shrekking” might sound like a harmless meme-term, but it carries a lot of baggage: hierarchies, power imbalances, assumptions about worth. If you ever feel you’re doing shrekking (or being shrekked), it may help to pause and ask:

  • Am I here because I genuinely like this person?

  • Do I respect them and their feelings, or am I counting on them being thankful/loyal because I “picked” them?

  • Is our relationship built on mutual growth, respect, attraction — or on me feeling “safe” because I think I’m “above” them?

Dating down (or dating someone “less,” whatever that means) isn’t inherently wrong — what matters is intention, honesty, respect, and compatibility. If you like someone, and they like you, then the label doesn’t matter — the dynamic does.

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